Fullness

Where do I start?

At the part where the fullness is?

Him

My heart (literal) hurts today and I believe that it is you 

because the last time pain was there it was you too or you two

My craving makes me use new tactics to get past it.

This feeling of hurt, loss, regret, grief, love 

but between you and me now it feels like there is not enough

Space, time, continuum, continuity or priority since each morning when I wake your thought is still here with me

Your clove oil lingers 113 days past, so my couch no longer comforts me, it reminds me of the last

Time that I held you, rubbing your eyes while hearing your heart

And that memory makes it nonsensical that we have been apart

This long

I have suffered losses but to feel I’ve lost myself

To think I’m someone else

To exist knowing that I reject myself daily

And may continue

since the status quo satisfies you

INDEED

WE change what WE cannot stand

So I try to understand how WE ended up here

Disappointed in ourselves for the mess we made of US and instead of cleaning it up 

WE just

Breakfast with Tiffany

This morning's mental shift just blew my mind. Christians: When you think "Thy will be done" or of being in God's will, what comes to mind? For me: crosses, sweating blood in the middle of the night on a hill, heavy burdens, sad life, just waiting for heaven. 

Underneath it all, I truly believed that His will only involves sacrifice and not getting what I want. There was always a sinking feeling that came along with being in God's will up until a moment ago. 

Here's what I got this morning. Because I am not omniscient, my will only accounts for the small things that will bring me very temporary happiness. His will gives me better, permanent solutions.

Ridiculous Tiffany Example: I want a carton of eggs. Let's imagine that they aren't available in stores and the only way that I can have a carton of eggs is if God blesses me with them. So, I don't know why after praying for a carton of eggs, I still don't have any. I decide that it must not be God's will for me to have eggs ... I must be sensitive to dairy  . Now every time I see an egg, I get sad and think "I wish that I could have eggs but omelettes are not in His will for me"... super sad face.

Why didn't I ever think, before it all worked out, "He must want to give me a farm"???

Clearly, the scriptures told me that He wanted to give me every good and perfect thing. I just want eggs though so, I'm pouting.

What's good and perfect? Infinite breakfast ..eggs, bacon, hash browns, chicken, waffles...yum

I'm off topic here, because I'm hungry but, you get the point. God is good. He wants to give me good. He is seriously not sitting on His throne of awesomeness hating on my dairy consumption. He's trying to give me that and then some.

It may take sacrifice to prepare me to get and keep the farm but, if I chill out and stop accusing Him of trying to ruin my life, the farm acquisition would go a lot quicker.

This, my friends, is the Gospel according to Tiffany

Faded

This feeling oscillates, back and forth I feel

Like one moment I hate and the next moment I can deal

since you only fade

you never disappear

you are always present

even though you aren't here

Every one sees you

but they don't see you in me

There's always something in my water

Traces of your memory

I am trying to remember

who I was here before you

Rewind back to September

Right before I met blue

This color is unstable

I do not care to stay

infatuated with tomorrow, while trying to figure out yesterday 

Deja freaking Vu

Five years past one of the most traumatic events that happened in my life, a friend calls in the middle of her story that is analogous to mine.  It's weird that I don't even know how to handle the situation.  You would think that I would be warm and soothing or that I'd have some sage advice, but I didn't know how to handle it when it was mine. How can I be expected to handle it when it belongs to someone else?

I can't do sympathy for the pain that almost killed me. I heard her deeply sobbing. I remember that sob.  It's the only noise that you can make to keep yourself from screaming. That hurt goes to the core of your spirit.  I remember that groan and the black that followed.  I remember driving way too close to the edges of mountains on dark nights.   I remember the mugs of straight vodka once I got off work. I don't remember how I got out of it. One day I just was.

Thanksgiving is coming and now I know what to be thankful for.  I am not who I was five years ago.

Front

Front 

I'll put on a good one

Act like my oscillations are purposeful because

Allegedly

They are

Mine

Is the party line

All things work together, when He heals me, I'll be fine

So, I

Try

To moderate my whines

Stay positively focused and just maximize my time

I guess I hedge my bet

If I misheard, I won't regret

The moments I spend with us

The comedy we create

The places that we go

The memories that we make

The smiles that I give you and

The love that I receive

I live life so I'll not regret the fact that I believe

I'll call it a front, but is it stubbornness in me

that refuses to be mourned while I continue to breathe

and says I'll enjoy it all, nothing takes me from me

Is it faith that says I will be healed while falling to the ground

Is it joy that makes me cherish every friendship that I have found

Is it love, true love for the person that I've been

for the one's who let me know that someway I inspire them

Whoa, I'll call it a front because it's the part I play,

Because the real is too heavy for me to wear upon my face.

Post Cards

Right Now,
Not missing what I never had but
Missing what I know exists
Somewhere where I am never
Somewhere where I am always
Trying to get there
and get better, get well soon and get mine
Rewind, I was there before and
I was there together and whole and
Now broken I cannot visit
Wish you were here and
Sigh...me too

Atomic Number 2

I am not a fan of this circle/cycle

this repetition of action

this same ole lame ole

feeling of again

I love you again

so I allow you again

to be near me again

inspire me again

and deflate me again

A sad balloon, I am

withered because you gas me up

and don't tie me down

and I never ask you to knot

but always again

when I'm around you again

I am so full of you I could pop

He-li-um when I need healing

Inert and ineffective by choice

you run from me because I desire your breath

and you're too stingy to let me hold it

But you dream of the way that I contain you

Smile at the luxury of our decorations

Fantasize of archways built and a million releases

and then again

There is nothing to enjoy here, let the air out of the balloon